Well. Okay?

 So, I know I shouldn't put this online, but it's time to get stuff off my chest.
I no longer live with my parents and it's difficult. Now, don't get me wrong Theo is a fantastic boyfriend, but I think I need a mom day.
I need him to tell me his emotions.
  I almost feel stressed to the max! I just wish I could understand why though.
I really just want to break down and cry but what will that do?
Not a damn thing.
Oh, i'm sorry if you don't like the fact I curse in my blogs. I'll try to keep it to a minimum.
 I need to stop smoking cigarettes. It's such a nasty habit.
I feel completely broken yet I feel whole.
I don't know where i'm at in my thoughts. I feel kinda numb.
 Anybody feel like that? Drown in your own thoughts to the point you ignore whoever and whatever so you don't have to talk about it.
I want to. Yes. No. Maybe? Probably not a good idea.
Sometimes I feel at peace with my mind. Other times I feel like I could kill and be fine with that too.
Am I losing my mind? Probably.
I don't know what to do anymore.
 Can I give up yet?
I know this post is disoriented but so are my thoughts.
Forgive me?
 I like rave music. That's the only that I know has changed.
I want a better relationship with my dad. I just don't know how to go about that. Nobody reads this anyways.

Well. I don't know. I'm done.

Succubus

 Blood falls from you. You are now a victim.

Crimson stained handprints across the walls show struggle.

Silhouttes skip through your memories taunting you.

It leaves wounds of sin on your angel made soul.

  You start to drown in remorse.

Your perfect body is now engulfed with your imperfect choices.

Each of your limbs screaming with their grief.

  Barganning with the devil, you gave away your soul.

Lust has tainted your unfixable heart.

Your body is beginning to turn into ruins under pressure.

Your eyes scorch changing into lit coals.

Screaming of seduction, your lips are sewn tightly shut.

Tears motion down your damaged face.

Your flawless hands then pierced on points of the star.

You hang in a white dress bleached with your blood.

The succubus enters your body, filling it with pain.

The breaths you take shorten sharply.

You start to fade into the darkness.

Your nightmare begins.

I Hit A Brick Wall!

  So yesterday.... Was a long day... 

 Backstory: 

Me and my dad ,for the last few months, have had four exhausting and long arguments. This has ended up turning our father-daughter relationship into a I'm not sure if you even want me here relationship. We haven't had a decent conversation in awhile....

  Yesterday I quit/got fired from my job. My dad got me this job. I'm really ungrateful. I walked out in the middle of the day. I am a total bitch. I haven't been getting a lot of sleep lately. This causes me to be way over emotional. I would probably have a panic attack if my hair messed up.... It's that bad. I couldn't tell you why I left. I couldn't even try to explain why I left, because I don't know. 

   So I was searching the interwebs for answers to all of my questions and I stumbled across this guys personal blog. He had a very good idea. He talked about five things to ask yourself during a conflict. I struggle with communication big time. I can't explain what I want to say ever. You could ask me how my day was ,and I would be like x=y(89i-56j)€¥£!€¥. I don't know what communication means to people. I know it helps us as humans to herd... But why does it matter if we herd??... 

   I Call This: Communication Management.

 In this guys blog he has five questions that I can actually answer! Dad these are answers I an ask myself in order to give you the straight answer. So, I'm going to answer them here in this blog anytime we get into an argument. Maybe we can get past this void. I'm willing to try anything.

Here they are: 

  1. Do I actually disagree with what the other person is saying?

 No. Dad I agree. I need to get my shit together and do something with my life. What will I do? Your guess is as good as mine. I want to do a lot of things. I know that I have to take little steps. It's just hard to take baby steps when you want to be able to leap and keep going.

2. Can I fairly articulate the other person's point of view?

 Uggghhhh... No I can't. I'm not you. I'm not in your shoes. I'm not a dad to an 18 rebel. I would have probably done kicked my own ass. I want to be able to articulate by the end of these questions. So that's my goal right now.

3. Did I make myself clear? 

  I really didn't. I couldn't tell you why I left. I couldn't tell you anything hardly. You are telling me the truth. I don't know if I just can't handle it or if I just don't want to believe it. 

4. Would I be comfortable saying what I'm saying to the other person in front of a group? 

 Yesterday? No Today? No. In the rest of my lifetime? No. I don't think it appropriate to discuss your problems in public. It causes a scene. Which embarrasses both of us and just makes us more angry.

5. What would happen if I lost?

 Who cares? If I lose, I lose. But if I lost that means we have come to a conclusion. That's all I want. An answer to the problem. What's the problem? Me and my communication. 

  Next Step: Apologize

  Daddy, 

I want to apologize for having you stay up all those nights worrying when I didn't come home. I'm sorry for saying all of the rude things I said over the phone yesterday afternoon. I'm sorry for never giving you a reason not to worry. I'm sorry for walking away from our arguments. If I wouldn't have walked away so many times we would have this solved. I apologize for putting you in a bad situation at work. I'm sorry for running away from my problems. It's a scary thought to face the world. But you were right there the whole time. Telling me basically that I didn't have to face it alone. I love you so much daddy. I'm sorry I've put you through so much hell. I don't know if this will help, but we have to start somewhere. 

  --Love Tanith

Why? Just why? (Fun post.)

(Q). Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?

(A). Because we are trying to motivate the batteries to work. Maybe that extra pressure will bring all the energy back to the batteries.

(Q). Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they already know there is not enough money? 

(A). An negative effect to the human is more often acknowledged than a positive effect. Example: When you get a reward for grades all you have is that reward to remember that memory. The release of dopamine is strong at this point so time seems to by quicker. If someone close to you passes away you fall into acute depression. In depression your mind makes you feel like time is going by super slow. By doing that the brain starts to think that certain subject and dopamine is blocked. 

Okay, so to wrap this up. It's a punishment. You will remember that punishment when you have to give more money to pay that fee. You don't agree with it therefore, your feel more depressed about it. Which goes to no dopamine. I'm starting to over explain this so I'm going to stop.

(Q). Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?

(A). First of all, which one is closer? The wet paint on the wall. Secondly, what are you more curious to know? So simply put its because you can touch the paint. You cannot touch the stars immediately.

(Q). Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard? 

(A).I saw this question and chuckled a little bit. Tarzan doesn't have a beard probably because the creators didn't think about people questioning why he didn't have a beard.

(Q). Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? 

(A). Because bullets are faster. His brain wouldn't be capable of reacting to the bullets in time. On the other hand the brain would be able to react to the revolver being thrown at him. We can react to catching a ball. I mean, I know superman is a badass and all, but he still had a human brain.

(Q). Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 

(A).I don't have any knowledge towards this subject.

(Q). Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?

(A). Ask a speech therapist.

(Q). If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? 

(A). Because we might not have evolved from apes. O.O shocking?

(Q). Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? 

(A). Because it isn't food dye.

(Q).Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? 

(A). Why would you even worry about this? 

(Q). Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? 

(A). Because of the short term memory part of our brain. Also known as the primary thinking part of our brain.

(Q). Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? 

(A).Because humans ,by nature, are lazy creatures.

(Q). Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? 

(A).Because you're weak. Build up some muscle and try again later.

(Q).How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? 

(A).Well, it starts off by how do they get inside to get in the light fixtures. They crawl in from underneath the building or they crawl through the vents. After that, they crawl into the cracks of the wall. Which you find all the wiring and stuff. They eventually are called to the light. No not really, they are actually drawn to bright lights. There they practically burn alive.

(Q).When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, ‘It’s all right?’ Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, ‘That really hurt, why don’t you watch where you’re going?’ 

(A).Because society has shaped our minds into having some sort of public manners. I mean when someone knocks a drink over you don't sit there and yell: "watch what your doing dumbass!" You say it's okay and the mess is cleaned up. 

(Q).Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? 

(A).The real question here is, why are there multiple things to knock off that table? Why isn't the table clean? Ask yourself that before you ask yourself the question above my answer.

(Q). In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

(A). Well I'm pretty sure when you turn the heat on in the winter, you don't set it to a gazillion degrees. But it's because the cold isn't comfortable. 

(Random Fact: If you turn your thermostat down 5 or 6 degrees your body will have to work harder for you to stay comfortable. This process burns calories!)

(Q). How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

(A). Because no one has made them popular yet. Humans live off of people making something popular! Like those idiotic terms: SWAG, YOLO, GAY, EMO, GOTH, etc.. If someone didn't say those things we wouldn't have labels. But the human mind cannot be an individual.

(Q).If someone doesn’t understand English why do we think that talking louder and slower will help?

(A). 'Cause here in 'Murica, if you don't speak our language, we assume you're stupid. There's this problem with Americans.... We think if you come over here, you need to learn our language. We also think (not including myself) that if we go to your country, you have to learn our language. We are just a bunch of lazy assholes. 

I apologize for the people in this country who don't sit on their ass and work. If it wasn't for you guys, we would be a communist country. Not bashing communism. It's just to controlled for my taste. 

Puppet Show

  It starts out with a violinist bringing her bow across the strings. The harmony brings their hearts together. The beat creates a spark. He strums his guitar creating the melody waking the puppeteers . He starts to paint her face. He paints her skin like porcelain. He stains her eyes the color of the night sky. He takes the brush and paints her lips red. He colors her hair charcoal..

  She holds his face in the palm of her hand. She paints his skin a glowing caramel. She stains his his eyes earthy brown. She takes a brush and paints his lips a light rose red. She takes and paints his hair a dark darker brown. 

  The puppeteers attach the strings from their finger tips down to their toes. She starts the show by connecting to her bow. She plays the harmony and his heart starts to beat. She plays in a minor key while his eyes slowly open. He starts to walk the lonely path of life.

  He starts the second act by connecting her strings to the bridge. He strums the guitar to awaken her heart. She lays lays there still as a doll. So he plays the melody. Her hearts starts to beat rapidly. Her eyes fly open. All irrational fears infect her like a disease. She tries to stand, but the weight of the world is heavy for her to carry.

  She runs her bow across the strings, sending troubles his way. His demons hold him down. He tries to push them away, but he can't get back up. He crawls towards the lamp post. He sees a girl panicking. He finally is able to push his demons away and runs towards her. She looks at him and her fears start to fade. He takes her hand and the music becomes gentle and slow. They dance in the music staff and follow the beat. He takes her face in his hands and looks her in the eyes and says "everything will be alright". 

Big Steps, Little Legs

  Recently, I graduated from a po-dunk high school. Not without the constant pushing of a wonderful boyfriend and my loving parents. Within all the excitement though, I decided to take a big step  Saturday. I moved in with Theo(hint: my boyfriend!). I went two days without a phone.. "Oh lawdy honey, how did you survive that?!" Your answer is: I didn't. Thank Jesus, for wifi. Oh and I still have no cell phone. xD 

  To be honest the whole moving in with Theo is a learning experience! I realized how much I depended  on my parents. I didn't realize what it would be like to not have them around. They paid for my cell phone, my food, washed my clothes( I'm a lazy American. Unexpected huh?), they put a roof over my head, fed me, and loved me. Now, don't get me wrong. Living with Theo is great(: He takes care of me, loves me, feeds me, washes my clothes, and keeps a roof over my head. 

  

  I just want the youth of today and in the future to keep moving forward, and make memories with your family. Respect what they do for you. They wouldn't do the things they do if they didn't love you. 

  Dear Mom and Dad, 

I apologies for not appreciating what you guys did for me sooner. I also want to thank you for letting me grow up slowly and not letting me try to go anywhere sooner. I love you guys so much! I live like ten minutes from you xD 

 Love always- 

   Tanith

  Dear youth of today and future generations. Don't be a**holes.